Midnight Confusion

I am dissapointed for who I am now, for the things that didn't happen as I wished and especially for me who always always have this damn high expectation. Hey, please don't blame me. Since I (and I am sure most girls) were a little girl, our mind were fed happy ending just like Disney movie we watched.
So below are what I wish my future will be like...

A guy who makes me better in everything I am and everything I do, just like the picture says. A person who has passion for family and career. And though he strives for success, family is number one for him. No one is really busy. It all depends on what number we are on their priority list.

A son who bumps to me like Mason did. His happy face told everything. His mom is the person he loves the most. When I have my own children someday, I will not ever ignore my kids no matter how trivial the things they ask about. I want to be their first glasses to see the world. Being volunteer in Creative Kids, El-Shaddai Creative Community is probably one of the wisest decision I have ever made. There, I learnt how to become a parent and to not do the same mistakes as the parents did (despite their love for their own kids) and though they didn't mean it.

I remember one random conversation with a man. He said that every man always wants a daughter(s) while most wives want a son(s). And so I'll have a daughter and she will always be her father's babe. We have dog as our family member. My children will learn about compassion from their furry friends. He said that the adoption of puppy should be done by the time the kid is born so they will grow together. What a lovely!

But when the dreams collide with reality, I think those kind of things are impossible.

Or maybe not.

I can not draw any conclusion. I just need a platform to spill out my complicated thoughts which are running out my mind right now, and my grumble toward my boyfriend.
Maybe it's me who compare him to the ideal version of boyfriend in my mind.
No, maybe it's him who always puts me after his work.
No, maybe it's still me who is stupid enough to be in this on-off relationship.

I need to figure out things soon. It's like walking on long dark tunnel. Sometimes after few steps, you see some blatant light, thinking you are going to reach the end soon but it deceives you. No one knows how long the tunnel is or when you will actually come to an exit.